The Tale Of The Toto Toilet

Last week my older sister sent me a column from the Washington Post…it was about a toilet, and after reading it, I thought, “Darn, that writer beat me to it!” So, here I am with the same topic but a different approach….

I have a new toilet, and I’m only slightly afraid to confess that I really like it, and I do mean really. You might think of a toilet as not much more than necessary (which is what I think they used to call it, a necessary), or a device to facilitate contemplation, meditation, retreat – or just a fine place to read. But some would say it’s just a toilet, and, speaking friend to friend, not a topic for social conversation.

But it is. And having just looked at the preceding sentences, part of me cannot believe that I am going to sail on and explain to you why this is so. I promise I shall do it as nicely and tidely as I can, and with respect.

When I remodeled the guest bathroom downstairs in my old farmhouse, the building code had changed, and I was required to put in one of the new 1.6 gallons per flush devices, rather than the previous “Controlled But Extremely Satisfying Maelstrom” model.

After construction and during a party, one of our guests who, no doubt, dines strictly on substantial quantities of whole grains, beans, rice, and extremely dense vegetables, reported that the then device had not been able to perform to a minimum acceptable standard, in spite of several successive flushes.

With my minimal plumbing skills, I was able to solve the problem and decided to equip the bathroom with heavy duty rubber gloves, a couple of plungers, very thin “bathroom tissue,” and the fervent hope that other guests would not find themselves in a situation which might require my intervention. This strategy, I thought would eliminate the middle man (me) and encourage the kind of self-reliance which Ralph Waldo Emerson admired.

When the unsolvable happened a second time at another party and Emerson didn’t appear, I joined the cadre of those who believe that 1.6 gallon per flush toilets are an invention of the devil, an unnecessary governmental requirement, and besides they just don’t work worth a, well, darn. Two of the 1.6 gallon flushes comes quite close to the 3.5 gallon flush versions of yore, so if your loo doesn’t work virtually all of the time, well that’s money down the drain and sometimes not much else.

Then I had the good luck to come down with a knee problem, such that sitting down on and getting up from the aforementioned device became quite painful, and I thought myself too young for the plastic lifter devices you see from time to time.

One day, in the midst of my wrestling with this quandary and trying to understand the advantages of the double roll of bathroom tissue, the one that doesn’t unroll without it and me fighting and cursing, I had a conversation with my older sister and explained my dilemma.

“Toto,” she said.

“Toto? What on earth are you talking about, and I know I’m not in Kansas anymore.”

“Toto toilets,” she said.They’re Japanese, come in a taller model, and will accept any offering without difficulty. I have a couple of them, and they are terrific.”

So, I began to do my research; I went to the company web-site, visited a local dealer and just spend some time “sitting around,” and decided that a Toto might just be the answer.

The plumber had never installed one, but he did a fine job, and the ten year old toilet went out to the garage (after pausing in the back yard for two days to create a little neighborly excitement at the sight of a substantial piece of white porcelain post-conceptual, post-industrial and altogether tasteless yard art.

Testing of the Toto has continued on a regular basis ever since. Not once has it failed to perform at a very high level with its friendly gurgle – not once has it required multiple flushes It uses the same 1.6 gallons as its predecessor, but there is something about the design which makes it work perfectly. And my knees don’t hurt the way they used to.

A month ago, the former tea room proprietress in the building where our offices are called to catch up on things. For some reason I decided to talk about my new Toto. When she started to giggle, I overlooked it. But she kept on giggling, until I asked, “Is it that funny?”

“You sound like my husband. We got a Toto a year or two ago, and he just can’t stop talking about it…we just love it.”

Then I knew I wasn’t alone. It wasn’t just my sister and I who had affection for our Totos…there were others, quietly talking up their Totos and recommending them. One friend of mine dropped by just to “test sit the Toto,” and now he’s getting one. In the meantime, my sister has Totoed her place in Maine.

Now, I know, gentle reader, how silly you must think all this fuss is over a toilet…a device we all use and rarely think about.

But if you owned a Toto – well, first you would understand, and second, you would find yourself talking about it to a friend, a neighbor, or a relative, and talking about relief – that is, the relief of having all the confidence in the world that your toilet problems were behind you (sorry, I just can’t help myself….)

I must say that I didn’t know how satisfying it would be just to be able to talk about toilets without flushing.

But I’ve moved on, and I’m presently working on understanding how geometric patterns in loo paper allow the paper companies to use less cellulose which increases profits. And you probably thought it was just an attractive design…